I am sorry

Today I am writing my first blog and I will start with the word sorry.

In the last few days I was in a very bad mood and everybody around me was wondering why I was upset. A few people assumed its my own insecurity and the others thought its a family problem.

Here is the true story– I was upset lately I felt that I have been isolated from the cast and the crew. I couldn’t understand why this was happening, and I am trying to solve the problem but I don’t know from where to start.

I had an unexpected meeting with my friend and roommate, who is now my best friend, Joseph Assi (the other male cast member). He came to me running asking me to sit down and to shut up for 15 minutes. I was very shocked from his attitude wondering what he want to say!

He started with a question: “What is going on with you, Bash?” I answered, “Nothing.” He said, “Why are you are so offensive?” I said I am not trying to be arrogant, but inside I started to shake, which is unusual. He said, “Why are you talking in an aggressive way with everybody?” I didn’t answer. He started to talk with me about my arrogance and how I always like to act as the godfather.

I was astonished by what he said, even though I knew he was speaking the truth. The other question Joseph had asked was, “How does the cast present themselves?” I answered, “Every person from the cast presents himself as Lebanese who was brought up in different country, except for you, Joseph. Lama from Saudi Arabia, Sara from Africa, and Joseph, a Palestinian refugee in Lebanon. He asked me what about you, Bash? I answered, “I am Lebanese but raised in Egypt.”

He told me, “You always mention Lebanon but you never speak about Egypt, you never mention anything about the Pharaohs legacy, Egyptian culture or even the night life in Egypt. Why are you always talking about Lebanon yet you know nothing about it? The audience for the show will not understand you because you don’t understand yourself.

The second subject is accepting that you are not the only mature person in this show or this world, you are just a 26 year old man, and you have to leave all the responsibilities for the crew and production to be able to continue this show and your life, forget about your old experiences and the pressure that you have back home and open up your eyes and stop being a bully (this is how Jerome always describes me), and start giving your ears a chance to listen.” I leaned back on the ground where we were sitting and I started thinking about every word Jospeh said and about what I did from the first day I came to America untill this second.

I realized that I have made so many mistakes with the crew without me realizing because my philosophy in life was completely wrong.

Tonight at dinner I was so worried because I had a confessional in front of the camera and I said things that I never expected I would say. I extended a message to Jerome asking him for a change and admitting that I am not the biggest man in the world, I am just a 26 year old man who is willing to listen and accept change. That happened before my meeting with Joseph.

I was worried because I could feel my system not functioning like before, but for better or worse, I wasn’t sure.

Before the crew and I started dinner last night, I had an argument with one of my favorite crew members, Lyzz, and I realized afterwards that I was completely wrong. But, rather than me solving the problem, I dug my head further into mud…

This message is for Lyzz:

Dear Lyzz,

Allow me to apologize in front of the cast, crew and the whole world for what I said earlier at the restaurant and the way I said it, especially that it was in public. I never meant to disrespect you or to treat you in a bad manner, cause I wouldn’t allow myself to treat one of my favorites this way. You were always there for me, supporting me helping me, and directing me to be always there on time (which I call ‘Egyptian time’). I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry; even I hate to say sorry.

I would like to say sorry secondly to myself for the crime that I would have committed on myself for not accepting change, which frames myself as an ignorant, arrogant and not understandable person. I want to apologize to myself and to my history because I misled friends, crew, cast, and production.

I have learned and I am learning from everyone how they are using their background, foreground and their surroundings to connect with Americans and the entire world. I have learned that by trying to be Lebanese instead of accepting my Egyptian background, I have created major difficulties for my personality as well. I have so much to say and I have so much to tell and I hope its not too late to achieve that, because having a clear goal is half the battle.

Sorry to Jerome for blaming you because I couldn’t blame myself.

Sorry to Guy for seeing me sad and I know you don’t like to see me this way.

Sorry, Katie.

Sorry, Cecilia.

Sorry, Jonathan.

Sorry Leon for not understanding you, even when you are speaking Arabic.

Sorry, Lama.

Sorry, Sara.

Sorry, Adisa.

Sorry, Mary.

Sorry, Allison.

Sorry, Noessa.

Sorry, Joseph for coping with all my ups and downs.

Sorry, Lyndsey

Sorry, Micah

Sorry Egypt that I am not being an ideal person for the city that took me under her wings.

I know this post will be posted forever and I am proud to publish it in front of all my friends, family and “On the Road in America” crew and cast members, because the only thing would stop us from change is death.

I have nothing left to say and I will leave the rest for you guys to decide.

THANK YOU GOD.

Best regards
Bash…